When one spouse is
flirting with another person, and sometimes even in the presence and right in
front of their own spouses, this volatile and inappropriate behavior can
provoke intense arguments and fights in a marriage. To make matters worse,
sometimes the flirting is done, not with a casual or little-known person, but
with a close friend or with a family member, as it is often the case.
Why do married people
flirt? There could be several different reasons for married people’s flirting.
The one that I had found is frequently the main reason for flirting among
married couples is that the flirtatious spouse can increases their own
self-esteem by having the challenge of winning over the other person that is
flirted with. Also, by flirting they can increase their self-esteem by making
jealous their spouses, in order to get attention (in this case negative
attention) and in that way they can experience the feeling of being intensively
desired or wanted, which is something that the flirting spouse could be lacking
in their marital relationship.
What to do?
There are two very effective
and highly recommended steps that you can take in order to handle this situation
in your marriage:
1. Avoid your spouse’s need
for negative attention: Talk to your spouse about this issue. The worst
thing that you can do is to ignore your spouse’s inappropriate behavior and
pretend that nothing is happening, because that will dramatically increase the
flirtatious attempts by your spouse in order to get your attention.
Also remember that, by ignoring this situation, you
will be building-up in your own mind a lot of never-expressed anger,
resentments and frustrations towards your spouse, which eventually will come
out as misdirected arguments and fights about other issues in your marital
relationship, that has nothing to do with the real cause of your anger, which
is, as you very well know, the flirtatious behavior that your spouse is
exhibiting and that you are trying to overlook or ignore.
It is very important for you to keep in mind that
you should never talk to your spouse by confronting him or her when you are
angry or upset. It will simply not work, and it will just make matters even
worse due to your spouse’s likely denial of the whole issue, as a defense
mechanism against your attack. You need to wait for an opportunity when your
mind is cool and you feel calmed and relaxed in talking about it. The way you
should do it, is just by explaining to your spouse, without any harsh words or
accusations, how badly it makes you feel when he or she is flirting with other
people, especially in front of you.
2. Provide
opportunities to increase your spouse's self-esteem: In order to increase
your spouse’s self-esteem you need to provide him or her with the possibility
of these four very important opportunities:
- Give your spouse the
opportunity of feeling connected and bonded to you. Do whatever it takes, to
let your spouse know that, above everything else and despite of any challenges
present in your marriage, you still love him or her very much.
- Provide your spouse
with the opportunity of feeling important, unique and special in your marriage.
He or she has to experience that he or she is a significant person in your
life.
- Give your spouse the
opportunity of him or her feeling successful in your marriage by accomplishing
a variety of tasks that are new or different in your marital life. Give him or
her a chance for successful variety and novelty in your marriage.
- And last, but not
least, provide your spouse with the opportunity to feel and understand that he
or she has a safe marriage and that there is security in all aspects of your
relationship.
If you apply in your
marriage all of the above suggestions, it is very likely that most the
inappropriate flirtatious behavior of your spouse will significantly diminish
or completely disappear.
When one spouse is flirting with another person, and sometimes even in the presence and right in front of their own spouses, this volatile and inappropriate behavior can provoke intense arguments and fights in a marriage. To make matters worse, sometimes the flirting is done, not with a casual or little-known person, but with a close friend or with a family member, as it is often the case.
Why do married people flirt? There could be several different reasons for married people’s flirting. The one that I had found is frequently the main reason for flirting among married couples is that the flirtatious spouse can increases their own self-esteem by having the challenge of winning over the other person that is flirted with. Also, by flirting they can increase their self-esteem by making jealous their spouses, in order to get attention (in this case negative attention) and in that way they can experience the feeling of being intensively desired or wanted, which is something that the flirting spouse could be lacking in their marital relationship.
What to do?
There are two very effective and highly recommended steps that you can take in order to handle this situation in your marriage:
1. Avoid your spouse’s need for negative attention: Talk to your spouse about this issue. The worst thing that you can do is to ignore your spouse’s inappropriate behavior and pretend that nothing is happening, because that will dramatically increase the flirtatious attempts by your spouse in order to get your attention.
Also remember that, by ignoring this situation, you will be building-up in your own mind a lot of never-expressed anger, resentments and frustrations towards your spouse, which eventually will come out as misdirected arguments and fights about other issues in your marital relationship, that has nothing to do with the real cause of your anger, which is, as you very well know, the flirtatious behavior that your spouse is exhibiting and that you are trying to overlook or ignore.
It is very important for you to keep in mind that you should never talk to your spouse by confronting him or her when you are angry or upset. It will simply not work, and it will just make matters even worse due to your spouse’s likely denial of the whole issue, as a defense mechanism against your attack. You need to wait for an opportunity when your mind is cool and you feel calmed and relaxed in talking about it. The way you should do it, is just by explaining to your spouse, without any harsh words or accusations, how badly it makes you feel when he or she is flirting with other people, especially in front of you.
2. Provide opportunities to increase your spouse's self-esteem: In order to increase your spouse’s self-esteem you need to provide him or her with the possibility of these four very important opportunities:
- Give your spouse the opportunity of feeling connected and bonded to you. Do whatever it takes, to let your spouse know that, above everything else and despite of any challenges present in your marriage, you still love him or her very much.
- Provide your spouse with the opportunity of feeling important, unique and special in your marriage. He or she has to experience that he or she is a significant person in your life.
- Give your spouse the opportunity of him or her feeling successful in your marriage by accomplishing a variety of tasks that are new or different in your marital life. Give him or her a chance for successful variety and novelty in your marriage.
- And last, but not least, provide your spouse with the opportunity to feel and understand that he or she has a safe marriage and that there is security in all aspects of your relationship.
If you apply in your marriage all of the above suggestions, it is very likely that most the inappropriate flirtatious behavior of your spouse will significantly diminish or completely disappear.
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